Ryan Ferris

Remember: Age is just a number — a saggy, wrinkled, liver-spotted number. — Ryan Ferris...

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 11:51:54 -0400

Remember: Age is just a number — a saggy, wrinkled, liver-spotted number.
— Ryan Ferris (@RyanGFerris) March 12, 2013

Free Uncle Sid

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 12:25:24 -0400

Hey guys,

I know I mostly post silly stuff here, but I’m going to switch gears for a moment. I need your help. I’ve started a petition to have my Uncle Sid released from federal prison, and I’d be indebted to you if you’d sign it. In 2004, Sidney Gordon Ferris, a good Christian man, was arrested and sentenced to life in prison for leaving the beach without buying a box of salt water taffy.

Despite what Nancy Grace says, my uncle is no criminal. He was well aware of the Taffy Act of 1972, which states: “Any citizen — regardless of age, sex, or number of teeth — who visits a coastal region of the United States must purchase at minimum one (1) box of salt water taffy.”

Uncle Sid fully intended to buy some taffy; he simply forgot, just like you and I sometimes forget to buy milk at Kroger, even though that was the one thing we really — “Ooh, Pringles are BOGO today!”

Look, I just want my uncle back. So does his family — my Aunt Fran and my cousins Jan, Stan, Dan, and Buck.

Those who sign the petition will receive a free box of salt water taffy. As an added bonus, I’ll take out the shitty flavors — which are all of them. So essentially you’re getting a nice empty box you could use for transporting your pet scorpion, hiding cash from your spouse, or making a hilarious diorama of your last family reunion where Gramma drank a Jagerbomb.

Thanks for your support.

Ryan

Vending Machine

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 12:21:06 -0500

I built a vending machine that’s a cross between a Redbox and a crane game. That’s right, my friend; you’re gonna need a little skill and A LOT of luck if you wanna borrow my Blu-ray edition of Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver.

Rock Paper Scissors

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 13:15:54 -0500

I’ve never lost a game of Rock Paper Scissors. I just throw Rockpaperscissors, which is a Voltronesque hand gesture that crushes, cuts and covers anything in its path.

Walking Study

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 09:54:08 -0500

A new study found that 1 out of 3 pedestrians is distracted while walking. To be fair, though, that pedestrian was only distracted because the other two were crab-walking.

Scooby Snax, Take 2

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 06:29:45 -0400

Police in Chicago seized $200,000 worth of marijuana in packages labeled “Scooby Snax.” Which explains why I just caught my dogs trying to sync Pink Floyd with The Wizard of Oz. “Nah, man, it’s way off! Rewind it again! Here, gimme the remote!”

Dunkin' Donuts App

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 06:53:35 -0400

Dunkin’ Donuts has a new app that lets you buy coffee for a friend. It’s pretty cool. The friend gets the option to reply with either “Thanks!” or “WTF, no donut?”

Mummy with Tats, Take 2

Sun, 19 Aug 2012 15:06:00 -0400

Researchers in Russia found a 2,500-year-old female mummy with tattoos. You can learn all about it in tonight’s Discovery Channel special “Tracing the Roots of the Tramp Stamp.”

Egg Study

Thu, 16 Aug 2012 19:50:45 -0400

A new study suggests egg yolks are almost as bad for you as smoking. Which pretty much ruins my favorite breakfast food — the menthol omelet.

Romney to Cut PBS Funding

Thu, 16 Aug 2012 09:34:24 -0400

In a recent interview, Mitt Romney said if he’s elected president he’ll cut funding to PBS. When asked for comment, Cookie Monster said, “I swear to God I’ll quit if I have to switch to store-brand Oreos.”

The Price Is Right

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 20:14:42 -0400

“The Price is Right” is holding a contest to find its first male model. Which explains the show’s new name — “The Price is Hanging a Little to the Right.”

Busted

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 19:34:00 -0400

A man in Pennsylvania was arrested because he accidentally butt-dialed 911 during a drug deal. After the guy made his one phone call in jail, his ass was like, “Hey, what about me?”

Naming the Continents

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 20:06:06 -0400

North America — Miguel
South America — Terry
Asia — Stacy
Antarctica — Bo
Africa — Randy
Europe — Rhonda
Australia — Jayden

Running Streak

Fri, 27 Jul 2012 06:31:00 -0400

A man in California holds the record for the longest running streak. He’s been running every day for the last 44 years. In a related story, Newt Gingrich just broke the record for longest waddling streak.

That’s right; a man’s been running every day for 44 years. His neighbor’s love it. They’re like, “Hey Bob, mind running this DVD back to Redbox?”

Cooking Tip

Fri, 13 Jul 2012 19:18:49 -0400

It’s easy to tell if spaghetti’s done — just throw a noodle at the wall. If it shoots straight through and stabs your roommate in the neck, it probably needs another minute.

Got my tweet featured on the LNWJF website this week!

Fri, 13 Jul 2012 18:49:45 -0400

Got my tweet featured on the LNWJF website this week!

Yahoo Hacked

Fri, 13 Jul 2012 10:02:27 -0400

Yahoo announced that 400,000 of its accounts were hacked. The victims were in disbelief. They were like, “I still have a Yahoo account?”

That’s right; Yahoo got hacked. Which explains why they changed their logo from Yahoo! to Yahoo#@*&%!

Shark Chases Kayaker

Wed, 11 Jul 2012 07:02:48 -0400

A man kayaking at a beach on Cape Cod was chased by a great white shark. On the upside, though, he became the first person to break the sound barrier in a kayak.

It’s a good thing he got away. That would’ve been awkward for next person who rented the kayak. “Hi, excuse me, I think somebody left their legs in here.”

That’s right; a guy in a kayak was chased by a shark. Or as the shark put it, “Ooh, I love kayakers! I can eat half now and half later. I’m so bad at portion control.”

Cow Joke

Sat, 07 Jul 2012 10:51:17 -0400

I started to write this joke about how cows go shopping with their moo-lah. But then I realized that’s not funny. Most cows live well below the poverty level.

Starbucks

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 14:00:49 -0400

Starbucks is planning to buy a bread company for $100 million so they can start selling gourmet baked goods. That’s a lot of money, but they’ll make it all back when they sell their first croissant.