Jupiter and Venus
This week Jupiter and Venus will appear side by side in the sky. They’ll be together for two nights — after which Jupiter will claim to have lost Venus’s number.
A team of researchers has decoded the DNA of a western lowland gorilla. They said it was pretty easy to figure out. The code was Chiquita123.
Chuck E. Cheese
A mother in Houston, Texas threw a birthday party for her 5-year-old daughter at Chuck E. Cheese, accidentally left her there, and didn’t realized her mistake until the next day. Apparently, though, this is pretty common. The manager said, “Ole’ Fred usually turns up two or three rugrats a night when he skims the ball pit.” The mother was told she could come claim the...
My office has this horrible fluorescent lighting. I’m afraid any moment the floor will start rotating and, before I can escape, I’ll explode all over the walls like a frozen burrito.
In a recent interview with The New York Times, Pat Robertson said marijuana should be legalized. Which explains the new title of his show — “The I Ate 700 Funyuns Club.”
Vatican Website Hacked
Members of the hacking group Anonymous claimed on Wednesday that they took down the Vatican website. I was wondering what was going on. I was trying to get on there all day to upload my weekly Excel spreadsheet of sins.
National Margarita Day
It’s National Margarita Day! Or as it’s called at the Mexican restaurant near my place — National Put Salt on My Margarita Even Though I Distinctly Asked for No Salt Day.
If somebody trips and falls on the ground in a cannibal village, does everybody yell “5-second rule!”
Where I Parked
I’m always forgetting where I parked. When I go to the grocery store, I have to buy extra food so I can survive while I search for my car.
It was crazy when Home Depot came out with that slogan: “You can do it. We can help.” Because it was so close to my personal motto: “You can do it. I’m gonna go grab a sandwich and some lemonade.”
Least Popular Dog Commands
Filch! Combust! Tithe! Roll over my IRA! Usurp! Shed! Stay the execution! Pop and lock! Mount!
According to a new survey, Zurich, Switzerland is the most expensive place to live. The least expensive? Still Mom’s basement.
When I used go visit Grandpa — God rest his soul — he was always smoking that pipe. To this day, I still think of him whenever I catch a whiff of crystal meth.
Three mushroom pickers were rescued after spending six days lost in an Oregon forest. It was a close call. Right before they were about to die, they found a green mushroom and scored an extra life.
Just once I’d like to peel a banana and find a Snickers bar.
My doctor’s office has a sign up that says, “There will be a $35 fee for missed appointments.” So I made my own sign and put it outside the door of the examination room: “There will be a $50 fee if I’m able to read six issues of Us Weekly cover-to-cover before the doctor comes in here.”
In a recent interview, Daniel Radcliffe admitted he would sometimes show up on the set drunk when he was filming Harry Potter. Well, that explains that one scene where Harry aims his wand at Voldemort and yells, “Liquor before beer, never fear!”
What You Need to Know About Fidel Castro's New...
The title is Fidel: Rolling in the Deep. In true dictator fashion, he wrote it in all-caps. The New York Times says it’s a “great beach read.” In one part, Castro reveals he can’t stand the Cuban sandwich, saying: “Ham AND roasted pork? Really? Why not stuff the snout in there, too, while you’re at it? No siree bob — I’m a cheesesteak...
5 Jobs Bigfoot Secretly Wants to Do If He Ever...
Hand model. Direct a reboot of Harry and the Hendersons. Host a vegetarian cooking show on the Food Network. Moderator for Republican presidential debates. Bikini waxer.
I don’t give money to winos. I know what they’re going to spend it on. I just hand them some grape seeds and say, “Here, make your own.”