5 Jobs Bigfoot Secretly Wants to Do If He Ever...
Hand model. Direct a reboot of Harry and the Hendersons. Host a vegetarian cooking show on the Food Network. Moderator for Republican presidential debates. Bikini waxer.
I don’t give money to winos. I know what they’re going to spend it on. I just hand them some grape seeds and say, “Here, make your own.”
Buried at Sea
When I die, I’d like to be buried at sea. But if that’s too much trouble, just tuck me into a waterbed.
I finally worked up the courage to ask out this really cute cashier at my supermarket. I said, “What time do you get off?” She said, “PLEASE PLACE THE ITEM BACK IN THE BAGGING AREA.”
My front door has a peephole. If you want to come in, you have to stuff a marshmallow chick through it.
I went to the store to buy some hot chocolate. Took me forever to pick one — they got so many different kinds now. I was torn between Marshmallow Lovers and Marshmallow Perverts.
My Folger's Commercial
A smiling woman awakes to the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. She shuffles to the kitchen in her slippers where her handsome husband is waiting. He hands her a steaming mug, brushes her hair out of her face, and says, “You’ve got the biggest eye booger.”
A 593-pound bluefin tuna was auctioned off at a Tokyo fish market for $736,000. Unbelievable! That’s the last time I lend my credit card to my cat.
Chinese Labor Dispute
Workers in China assembling Xbox consoles threatened to kill themselves over a labor dispute by jumping off a factory roof. Management was like, “Don’t forget, you can jump farther if you hold B.”