Remember: Age is just a number — a saggy, wrinkled, liver-spotted number. — Ryan Ferris (@RyanGFerris) March 12, 2013
Free Uncle Sid
Hey guys, I know I mostly post silly stuff here, but I’m going to switch gears for a moment. I need your help. I’ve started a petition to have my Uncle Sid released from federal prison, and I’d be indebted to you if you’d sign it. In 2004, Sidney Gordon Ferris, a good Christian man, was arrested and sentenced to life in prison for leaving the beach without buying a box of...
I built a vending machine that’s a cross between a Redbox and a crane game. That’s right, my friend; you’re gonna need a little skill and A LOT of luck if you wanna borrow my Blu-ray edition of Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver.
Rock Paper Scissors
I’ve never lost a game of Rock Paper Scissors. I just throw Rockpaperscissors, which is a Voltronesque hand gesture that crushes, cuts and covers anything in its path.
A new study found that 1 out of 3 pedestrians is distracted while walking. To be fair, though, that pedestrian was only distracted because the other two were crab-walking.
Scooby Snax, Take 2
Police in Chicago seized $200,000 worth of marijuana in packages labeled “Scooby Snax.” Which explains why I just caught my dogs trying to sync Pink Floyd with The Wizard of Oz. “Nah, man, it’s way off! Rewind it again! Here, gimme the remote!”
Dunkin' Donuts App
Dunkin’ Donuts has a new app that lets you buy coffee for a friend. It’s pretty cool. The friend gets the option to reply with either “Thanks!” or “WTF, no donut?”
Mummy with Tats, Take 2
Researchers in Russia found a 2,500-year-old female mummy with tattoos. You can learn all about it in tonight’s Discovery Channel special “Tracing the Roots of the Tramp Stamp.”
A new study suggests egg yolks are almost as bad for you as smoking. Which pretty much ruins my favorite breakfast food — the menthol omelet.
Romney to Cut PBS Funding
In a recent interview, Mitt Romney said if he’s elected president he’ll cut funding to PBS. When asked for comment, Cookie Monster said, “I swear to God I’ll quit if I have to switch to store-brand Oreos.”
The Price Is Right
“The Price is Right” is holding a contest to find its first male model. Which explains the show’s new name — “The Price is Hanging a Little to the Right.”
A man in Pennsylvania was arrested because he accidentally butt-dialed 911 during a drug deal. After the guy made his one phone call in jail, his ass was like, “Hey, what about me?”
Naming the Continents
North America — Miguel South America — Terry Asia — Stacy Antarctica — Bo Africa — Randy Europe — Rhonda Australia — Jayden
A man in California holds the record for the longest running streak. He’s been running every day for the last 44 years. In a related story, Newt Gingrich just broke the record for longest waddling streak. That’s right; a man’s been running every day for 44 years. His neighbor’s love it. They’re like, “Hey Bob, mind running this DVD back to Redbox?”
It’s easy to tell if spaghetti’s done — just throw a noodle at the wall. If it shoots straight through and stabs your roommate in the neck, it probably needs another minute.
Yahoo announced that 400,000 of its accounts were hacked. The victims were in disbelief. They were like, “I still have a Yahoo account?” That’s right; Yahoo got hacked. Which explains why they changed their logo from Yahoo! to Yahoo#@*&%!
Shark Chases Kayaker
A man kayaking at a beach on Cape Cod was chased by a great white shark. On the upside, though, he became the first person to break the sound barrier in a kayak. It’s a good thing he got away. That would’ve been awkward for next person who rented the kayak. “Hi, excuse me, I think somebody left their legs in here.” That’s right; a guy in a kayak was chased by a...
I started to write this joke about how cows go shopping with their moo-lah. But then I realized that’s not funny. Most cows live well below the poverty level.
Starbucks is planning to buy a bread company for $100 million so they can start selling gourmet baked goods. That’s a lot of money, but they’ll make it all back when they sell their first croissant.
A new study shows people who exercise regularly earn 9% higher pay than those who don’t. Which is why I always do a little Zumba during my performance review.
Bigfoot, Take 2
Scientists are planning to do DNA testing on hair samples to determine if Bigfoot exists. Mainly, though, they’re hoping to answer the age-old question, “Do sasquatches get split ends?”
Researchers found low levels of radioactive material in tuna caught off California. Which explains Starkist’s new mascot — Charlie the Three-Headed Tuna.
Most Popular Browser
Google Chrome is now the world’s most popular Web browser, finally beating out Microsoft Internet Explorer. And the world’s least popular browser? Crazy Dave’s Interwebs Spelunker.
Researchers have discovered the remains of an ancient turtle that was the size of a small car. Its scientific name is “my 1989 Toyota Corolla.” That’s right; researchers found the remains of a turtle the size of a car. In other words, if this thing were alive today, it’d be pulling over and moving YOU out of the road. They aren’t sure yet how it became extinct, but...
A new study shows larger male gorillas are more successful than smaller ones at attracting mates. It’s true. King Kong gets WAY more ass than Curious George. He literally picks up chicks. That’s right, bigger gorillas get more ladies than smaller ones… Which explains why I keep running into spider monkeys at Gold’s Gym. They’re like, “Hey, bro, can I get a...
I’m bald. One time this guy called me “Cue Ball.” I was like, “Oh, so I’m only the most important ball in the game of billiards? Wow, thank you!”
My worst fear is being attack by a shark. My best fear is being attacked by a baby panda.
Jupiter and Venus
This week Jupiter and Venus will appear side by side in the sky. They’ll be together for two nights — after which Jupiter will claim to have lost Venus’s number.
A team of researchers has decoded the DNA of a western lowland gorilla. They said it was pretty easy to figure out. The code was Chiquita123.
Chuck E. Cheese
A mother in Houston, Texas threw a birthday party for her 5-year-old daughter at Chuck E. Cheese, accidentally left her there, and didn’t realized her mistake until the next day. Apparently, though, this is pretty common. The manager said, “Ole’ Fred usually turns up two or three rugrats a night when he skims the ball pit.” The mother was told she could come claim the...
My office has this horrible fluorescent lighting. I’m afraid any moment the floor will start rotating and, before I can escape, I’ll explode all over the walls like a frozen burrito.
In a recent interview with The New York Times, Pat Robertson said marijuana should be legalized. Which explains the new title of his show — “The I Ate 700 Funyuns Club.”
Vatican Website Hacked
Members of the hacking group Anonymous claimed on Wednesday that they took down the Vatican website. I was wondering what was going on. I was trying to get on there all day to upload my weekly Excel spreadsheet of sins.
National Margarita Day
It’s National Margarita Day! Or as it’s called at the Mexican restaurant near my place — National Put Salt on My Margarita Even Though I Distinctly Asked for No Salt Day.
If somebody trips and falls on the ground in a cannibal village, does everybody yell “5-second rule!”
Where I Parked
I’m always forgetting where I parked. When I go to the grocery store, I have to buy extra food so I can survive while I search for my car.
It was crazy when Home Depot came out with that slogan: “You can do it. We can help.” Because it was so close to my personal motto: “You can do it. I’m gonna go grab a sandwich and some lemonade.”
Least Popular Dog Commands
Filch! Combust! Tithe! Roll over my IRA! Usurp! Shed! Stay the execution! Pop and lock! Mount!
According to a new survey, Zurich, Switzerland is the most expensive place to live. The least expensive? Still Mom’s basement.
When I used go visit Grandpa — God rest his soul — he was always smoking that pipe. To this day, I still think of him whenever I catch a whiff of crystal meth.
Three mushroom pickers were rescued after spending six days lost in an Oregon forest. It was a close call. Right before they were about to die, they found a green mushroom and scored an extra life.
Just once I’d like to peel a banana and find a Snickers bar.
My doctor’s office has a sign up that says, “There will be a $35 fee for missed appointments.” So I made my own sign and put it outside the door of the examination room: “There will be a $50 fee if I’m able to read six issues of Us Weekly cover-to-cover before the doctor comes in here.”
In a recent interview, Daniel Radcliffe admitted he would sometimes show up on the set drunk when he was filming Harry Potter. Well, that explains that one scene where Harry aims his wand at Voldemort and yells, “Liquor before beer, never fear!”
What You Need to Know About Fidel Castro's New...
The title is Fidel: Rolling in the Deep. In true dictator fashion, he wrote it in all-caps. The New York Times says it’s a “great beach read.” In one part, Castro reveals he can’t stand the Cuban sandwich, saying: “Ham AND roasted pork? Really? Why not stuff the snout in there, too, while you’re at it? No siree bob — I’m a cheesesteak...
5 Jobs Bigfoot Secretly Wants to Do If He Ever...
Hand model. Direct a reboot of Harry and the Hendersons. Host a vegetarian cooking show on the Food Network. Moderator for Republican presidential debates. Bikini waxer.
I don’t give money to winos. I know what they’re going to spend it on. I just hand them some grape seeds and say, “Here, make your own.”