Remember: Age is just a number — a saggy, wrinkled, liver-spotted number.

— Ryan Ferris (@RyanGFerris) March 12, 2013

Hey guys,

I know I mostly post silly stuff here, but I’m going to switch gears for a moment. I need your help. I’ve started a petition to have my Uncle Sid released from federal prison, and I’d be indebted to you if you’d sign it. In 2004, Sidney Gordon Ferris, a good Christian man, was arrested and sentenced to life in prison for leaving the beach without buying a box of salt water taffy.

Despite what Nancy Grace says, my uncle is no criminal. He was well aware of the Taffy Act of 1972, which states: “Any citizen — regardless of age, sex, or number of teeth — who visits a coastal region of the United States must purchase at minimum one (1) box of salt water taffy.”

Uncle Sid fully intended to buy some taffy; he simply forgot, just like you and I sometimes forget to buy milk at Kroger, even though that was the one thing we really — “Ooh, Pringles are BOGO today!”

Look, I just want my uncle back. So does his family — my Aunt Fran and my cousins Jan, Stan, Dan, and Buck.

Those who sign the petition will receive a free box of salt water taffy. As an added bonus, I’ll take out the shitty flavors — which are all of them. So essentially you’re getting a nice empty box you could use for transporting your pet scorpion, hiding cash from your spouse, or making a hilarious diorama of your last family reunion where Gramma drank a Jagerbomb.

Thanks for your support.

Ryan

I built a vending machine that’s a cross between a Redbox and a crane game. That’s right, my friend; you’re gonna need a little skill and A LOT of luck if you wanna borrow my Blu-ray edition of Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver.

I’ve never lost a game of Rock Paper Scissors. I just throw Rockpaperscissors, which is a Voltronesque hand gesture that crushes, cuts and covers anything in its path.

A new study found that 1 out of 3 pedestrians is distracted while walking. To be fair, though, that pedestrian was only distracted because the other two were crab-walking.

Police in Chicago seized $200,000 worth of marijuana in packages labeled “Scooby Snax.” Which explains why I just caught my dogs trying to sync Pink Floyd with The Wizard of Oz. “Nah, man, it’s way off! Rewind it again! Here, gimme the remote!”

Dunkin’ Donuts has a new app that lets you buy coffee for a friend. It’s pretty cool. The friend gets the option to reply with either “Thanks!” or “WTF, no donut?”

Researchers in Russia found a 2,500-year-old female mummy with tattoos. You can learn all about it in tonight’s Discovery Channel special “Tracing the Roots of the Tramp Stamp.”

A new study suggests egg yolks are almost as bad for you as smoking. Which pretty much ruins my favorite breakfast food — the menthol omelet.

In a recent interview, Mitt Romney said if he’s elected president he’ll cut funding to PBS. When asked for comment, Cookie Monster said, “I swear to God I’ll quit if I have to switch to store-brand Oreos.”

“The Price is Right” is holding a contest to find its first male model. Which explains the show’s new name — “The Price is Hanging a Little to the Right.”

A man in Pennsylvania was arrested because he accidentally butt-dialed 911 during a drug deal. After the guy made his one phone call in jail, his ass was like, “Hey, what about me?”

1. North America — Miguel
2. South America — Terry
3. Asia — Stacy
4. Antarctica — Bo
5. Africa — Randy
6. Europe — Rhonda
7. Australia — Jayden

A man in California holds the record for the longest running streak. He’s been running every day for the last 44 years. In a related story, Newt Gingrich just broke the record for longest waddling streak.

That’s right; a man’s been running every day for 44 years. His neighbor’s love it. They’re like, “Hey Bob, mind running this DVD back to Redbox?”

It’s easy to tell if spaghetti’s done — just throw a noodle at the wall. If it shoots straight through and stabs your roommate in the neck, it probably needs another minute.